1.
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so pricelessand so easy to see happening – customer service, being what it is today!A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February andMarch for their annual service charges
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so pricelessand so easy to see happening – customer service, being what it is today!A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February andMarch for their annual service charges
2.
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.Her husband suggested, “Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms thatare growing wild down by the stream? No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous.”“W
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.Her husband suggested, “Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms thatare growing wild down by the stream? No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous.”“W
3.
At an airline ticket counter, all of the ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could.A man at the end of the passenger line was impatient and frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow-moving line.
At an airline ticket counter, all of the ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could.A man at the end of the passenger line was impatient and frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow-moving line.
4.
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake.The owner of the farm shouted:“Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars.”The silence was deaf
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake.The owner of the farm shouted:“Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars.”The silence was deaf
5.
The Father said, “Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye MrsDonovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?”She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.”The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?”She replied, “No, not yet, Father.”The
The Father said, “Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye MrsDonovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?”She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.”The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?”She replied, “No, not yet, Father.”The
6.
The driver gets out of the cab and is Looking at the engine when a second Lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help.The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man wouldtake the penguins
The driver gets out of the cab and is Looking at the engine when a second Lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help.The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man wouldtake the penguins
7.
Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven.
Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself.
“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hea
Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven.
Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself.
“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hea
8.
A fox sneaked into a farm and grabbed a prize rooster.The farmer saw him and raised the alarm and he and his dogs started chasing the thief.The fox, though he was holding the rooster in his mouth, was running very fast.“Get him! Get him!” shouted “No!” s
A fox sneaked into a farm and grabbed a prize rooster.The farmer saw him and raised the alarm and he and his dogs started chasing the thief.The fox, though he was holding the rooster in his mouth, was running very fast.“Get him! Get him!” shouted “No!” s
9.
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him: “Daddy, what is s*x?”
The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question,
then she is old enough to g
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him: “Daddy, what is s*x?”
The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question,
then she is old enough to g
10.
So a man walks up to the department store counter.“Two pairs of underwear please.”The man behind the counter looks at him in disbelief.“Only two pairs of underwear?”“YupI wear one while the other is in the wash.”The man behind the counter looks at him in
So a man walks up to the department store counter.“Two pairs of underwear please.”The man behind the counter looks at him in disbelief.“Only two pairs of underwear?”“YupI wear one while the other is in the wash.”The man behind the counter looks at him in
11.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don’t worry about that,’ says St. Peter, ‘It’s only someone having the holes drilled
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don’t worry about that,’ says St. Peter, ‘It’s only someone having the holes drilled
12.
Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because her first period had started and she had no idea what it was.
The girl’s teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested Sheryl talk to her mom.
She was walking home whe
Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because her first period had started and she had no idea what it was.
The girl’s teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested Sheryl talk to her mom.
She was walking home whe
13.
Three High school girls go to the same bathroom every 4th period and each time they gossip and spill tea, and do their makeup, and each time before they leave they write a message on the mirror with their lipstick.Sometimes they write the name of the boy
Three High school girls go to the same bathroom every 4th period and each time they gossip and spill tea, and do their makeup, and each time before they leave they write a message on the mirror with their lipstick.Sometimes they write the name of the boy
14.
A guy comes home from work and he is quite upset.His wife looks worried and asks him what's wrong.He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.“Honey, what i
A guy comes home from work and he is quite upset.His wife looks worried and asks him what's wrong.He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.“Honey, what i
15.
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t s
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t s
16.
Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides… when they started hearing drums in the distance.
Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?” The Natives answered, “When drums s
Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides… when they started hearing drums in the distance.
Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?” The Natives answered, “When drums s
17.
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and l
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and l
18.
… and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of
… and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of
19.
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,“If you put a little rubber thin
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,“If you put a little rubber thin
20.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course,
I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lo
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course,
I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lo
21.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, C
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, C
22.
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.He had a large pond in the back.It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.One evening the old farme
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.He had a large pond in the back.It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.One evening the old farme
23.
A disciple who loved and admired his teacher decided to observe his behaviour minutely, believing that if he did everything that his teacher did, then he would also acquire his teacher's wisdom.The teacher always wore white, and so his disciple did the s
A disciple who loved and admired his teacher decided to observe his behaviour minutely, believing that if he did everything that his teacher did, then he would also acquire his teacher's wisdom.The teacher always wore white, and so his disciple did the s
24.
The priest says, “Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land” and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situatio
The priest says, “Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land” and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situatio
25.
Sometimes, if you really really want something, you’ve just got to keep trying until you get it.
No matter what your goals, you have to push boundaries and excel yourself to achieve anything.
But, does that apply to children? What if you really want
Sometimes, if you really really want something, you’ve just got to keep trying until you get it.
No matter what your goals, you have to push boundaries and excel yourself to achieve anything.
But, does that apply to children? What if you really want
26.
Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting oldThe first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need
Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting oldThe first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need
27.
All of his tests came back with normal results.DrDarns said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”George replied, “God
All of his tests came back with normal results.DrDarns said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”George replied, “God
28.
Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over.
The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face.
Stunned, the driver asks, “Why did you do that??”
The tr
Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over.
The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face.
Stunned, the driver asks, “Why did you do that??”
The tr
29.
Dave and his wife were working in their garden one day when Dave looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really bigI bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then w
Dave and his wife were working in their garden one day when Dave looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really bigI bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then w
30.
A customer in a restuarant orders a bowl of soup. However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
A customer in a restuarant orders a bowl of soup. However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
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eng jokes