1.
"I told myself I should stop drinking, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself."
"I told myself I should stop drinking, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself."
2.
"Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They’re a little shady."
"Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They’re a little shady."
3.
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
4.
"I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way."
"I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way."
5.
"Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish."
"Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish."
6.
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
7.
"I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted paychecks."
8.
"I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right."
9.
"I love my job only when I’m on vacation."
"I love my job only when I’m on vacation."
10.
"Life’s too short to fold fitted sheets."
"Life’s too short to fold fitted sheets."
11.
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels."
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels."
12.
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
13.
"I run on caffeine, chaos, and inappropriate humor."
"I run on caffeine, chaos, and inappropriate humor."
14.
"I’m not procrastinating. I’m proactively delaying the inevitable."
"I’m not procrastinating. I’m proactively delaying the inevitable."
15.
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
16.
"I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making more."
"I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making more."
17.
"I’m not lazy; I’m on power-saving mode."
"I’m not lazy; I’m on power-saving mode."
18.
"I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up: younger."
"I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up: younger."
19.
"You’re never too old to learn something stupid."
"You’re never too old to learn something stupid."
20.
"I’m not lazy; I’m just very energy efficient."
"I’m not lazy; I’m just very energy efficient."
21.
"I’m not overweight; I’m just under-tall."
"I’m not overweight; I’m just under-tall."
22.
"I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me adult."
"I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me adult."
23.
"My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people don’t think I’m dead."
"My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people don’t think I’m dead."
24.
"The elevator to success is broken; you’ll have to take the stairs."
"The elevator to success is broken; you’ll have to take the stairs."
25.
"I told my kids I wanted to be cremated. They made me an urn in art class."
"I told my kids I wanted to be cremated. They made me an urn in art class."
26.
"Life’s too short to wear matching socks."
"Life’s too short to wear matching socks."
27.
"Why is it called beauty sleep when you wake up looking like a troll?"
"Why is it called beauty sleep when you wake up looking like a troll?"
28.
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
29.
"Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."
"Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."
30.
"I told my suitcase we’re not going on vacation this year. Now it’s all packed with nowhere to go."
"I told my suitcase we’re not going on vacation this year. Now it’s all packed with nowhere to go."
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quotes